


Sure

by spire_cx



Category: Double A
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-27
Updated: 2011-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-26 02:30:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/645557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spire_cx/pseuds/spire_cx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a sudden confession from Woosang makes Hoik wonder about his own sexuality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sure

Hoik can't sleep. He's lying in bed, his thoughts churning, nowhere close to slumber.

Dance practice that morning had gone well, and the interview in the afternoon had been normal enough. It was for a girly fashion magazine, so of course all the questions were about fashion and visuals and—of course—romance. Hoik felt a little uncomfortable, just because his answers were all so boring. He had never had a girlfriend, had never thought about what kind of girl he'd like to date, and couldn't name even one idol or actress he was attracted to, so he didn't have much to say in response to questions about his love life. It was embarrassing. Idols shouldn't give whole interviews of one-word answers.

The other members did well, Hoik thought, but Sangsoo was icy from the moment the interview ended. As they drove back to the dorms, he sat with his arms crossed and brow furrowed, staring out the window in silence. And because Sangsoo was upset, of course Geunee was too—that was just the way it went most of the time. It was a very quiet ride without their usual banter, and maybe things were a little tense, but Hoik could handle that. 

Apparently, however, Yehyanggi couldn't.

"Sangsoo-hyung, are you okay?" he asked, completely unprompted, when they were stopped at a red light. Hoik had an urge to cover his ears. He didn't want to listen to whatever awkward conversation would result from this.

But Sangsoo didn't answer, or even acknowledge that anyone had spoken.

"Is something wrong?" Yehyanggi pressed.

"Aish, leave him alone," Geunee said, his tone hard and defensive.

Yehyanggi looked confused, but he knew when his hyungs wanted him to shut up, and he was an obedient boy. So they rode in silence for awhile, with Yehyanggi's questions hanging in the air between them, oppressive and stifling.

"That interview was stupid," Sangsoo eventually spat, a few minutes later.

"Don't be rude, Sangsoo," their manager chided from the driver's seat. "You're lucky you get any interviews at all."

"I thought it was okay," Yehyanggi said.

"It was stupid," Sangsoo insisted. "Why do they have to ask about girls? Just because I'm a guy doesn't mean I'm interested in girls." He kicked a gift bag stuffed with empty juice bottles and candy wrappers across the floor of the van. "I hate lying. It's just lie after lie after lie. I can't stand being such a liar."

"Sangsoo," their manager said, throwing Sangsoo a venomous glare in the rear-view mirror, "let's not talk about this now."

"Whatever. There's nothing to talk about anyway. What are we going to talk about? How Sangsoo needs to shut up and deal with it. I already know. So there's nothing to talk about."

Hoik's eyes must have been the size of dinner plates, and he had involuntarily put a hand over his mouth, which had fallen open in shock. He hardly believed what he had just heard. He never thought Sangsoo would actually come out and say all that, especially not so harshly.

Next to Hoik, Geunee leaned forward and put his head in his hands, covering his face as if he had a headache or were about to cry.

No one said anything else the rest of the way home.

The remainder of the day had been awkward. Geunee and Sangsoo somehow snuck past their managers and went out for the night. Yehyanggi was in a sour mood, clearly hurt by the way his beloved Geunee had snapped at him, and sat at the kitchen table studying and listening to music all evening.

If Juwon was upset by the incident in the van, he certainly didn't show it. While the other members stewed in their individual angst cocktails, Hoik watched cheesy dramas with him like nothing had happened.

They had an easy relationship, natural and unforced. They didn't need to say much to each other, and as a man of few words Hoik appreciated their unspoken understanding that they could enjoy each other's company in silence. At the same time, Juwon was a good listener, and Hoik liked talking to him: about stupid stuff, about serious stuff, about everything in between.

It was while they were watching TV and eating cookies together that Hoik thought of talking to him about what had happened earlier.

Though he wasn't exactly upset, Hoik had been lost in thought since Sangsoo's... outburst. He kept thinking back to how Sangsoo had said he wasn't _interested_ in girls. Hoik knew what Sangsoo meant by that, and he knew it didn't apply to him: at least not exactly as Sangsoo had meant it. But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that he wasn't interested in girls, either: at least not in the ways that these people asking about girlfriends and crushes expected him to be.

There were girls he found pretty, but looking at them wasn't much different than looking at a pretty painting. He had never had a girlfriend, but he had also never particularly wanted one. He figured he would start caring about sex when he met a girl he liked. It seemed silly now that he looked back on it, but he hadn't realized before today that he was expected to feel otherwise.

He didn't feel like he was lying, like Sangsoo did; Sangsoo knew what he liked, he just wasn't allowed to be honest about it. Hoik realized, with a not-small amount of fear, that he didn't know what he liked. And the evidence seemed to suggest that girls were not involved.

He didn't get a chance to talk to Juwon before Yehyanggi crashed their little party. And now, hours later, he's lying in bed and still thinking about it. They have a long day tomorrow, but he can't stop asking himself the same questions over and over, racking his brain for evidence of being attracted to girls: to any girl, ever.

Hoik is trying to bore himself to sleep by counting when Juwon comes in. Juwon rustles about on his side of the room: putting his clothes away, taking off his jewelry, fluffing his pillow, climbing into bed. Hoik thinks, for a moment, that he should just pretend to be asleep and leave Juwon alone. He doesn't want to burden him with his stupid problems. But then Juwon clears his throat, and, hearing the sound, Hoik realizes how much he wants to talk to him, just for a little while. They're friends, after all.

"Hyung?" Hoik asks.

"Yeah?"

"Uh." The question is a little embarrassing. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Juwon doesn't say anything for a moment. "No. I don't have time to meet girls. We're too busy."

Hoik lies still, hands folded over his chest, listening to his watch ticking on the floor beside his mattress. "When was the last time you dated someone?" he asks.

"In Canada." Juwon pauses and a car drives past their window, its headlights flashing across the ceiling. "What about you?"

Hoik blushes. "I've never had a girlfriend," he says. He's intensely embarrassed, but continues anyway. "I've never even kissed anyone. Well, not any serious kisses, anyway."

"Oh."

"Do you think that's normal?" Hoik asks.

"Huh?"

"I mean. I'm pretty old."

"It's fine. You're just more interested in other things, that's all."

Hoik chews at his fingernail a little. "I guess so."

But that doesn't seem normal. He's always been embarrassed about the fact that he's so innocent, but shouldn't he be curious, at least?

"I don't think I'm interested in girls at all, though."

Juwon is very quiet, and Hoik's heart feels like it's stopped in his chest.

"I mean. I've never really wanted to... do anything with a girl. Do you think that means I'm gay?"

Juwon laughs, and it's a bit of a relief. "How should I know? Ask Sangsoo."

"Have you ever kissed a guy?" Hoik asks. The words are out before he can even think about what he's saying, and he regrets them instantly. What a stupid, pointless question. "I mean, is it different from kissing girls?"

Juwon inhales deeply. He holds his breath for a long moment before answering, as if trying to figure out what to say. "Why?" he asks, his voice low. And then, after a pause, "Do you want to? Kiss a guy, I mean."

Hoik knows the least awkward answer would probably be "no," but it's not exactly the truth.

"Kind of. I don't know," he says. He tries to imagine what it would be like to kiss a man, but is struck by how difficult it is to conjure the image. Has he ever thought about kissing _anyone_? He realizes, in a sudden moment of clarity, that he hasn't. "What do you think that means?"

There's a rustle as Juwon turns to face him. In the low light, Hoik can see the silhouette of his bare shoulder, a sharp shadow against the blue room.

"It just means you don't know."

"I guess so," Hoik says. But that's not a satisfying answer at all.

Juwon rises up onto an elbow and looks down at Hoik, the whites of his eyes bright and clear even in the near-darkness.

"Do you want to try kissing me?" he asks. "To see?"

Hoik's heart leaps to his throat. This wasn't exactly what he had in mind when he thought about talking to Juwon.

But he doesn't exactly want to refuse him, either. He's curious, after all, and they're friends. It doesn't have to be serious, right?

He glances down at Juwon's body, shirtless, half-covered by blankets, but isn't sure what he should be seeing, or feeling about what he sees.

"Maybe. Just to see," Hoik says.

They look at each other for a long moment. 

"Okay," Juwon says.

He reaches out and puts a hand on Hoik's shoulder, and Hoik takes that as his cue to close his eyes. Before he has time to think about what they're about to do he feels Juwon's lips on his own, soft and subtly insistent.

Hoik tries to do it like they do in movies: moving his lips rhythmically over Juwon's, sucking them between his own. He lets Juwon push his tongue into his mouth, and Hoik must admit, it feels a little weird. Juwon tastes good, though, like cinnamon toothpaste and barley tea. Hoik's not quite sure what to do but tries his best to imitate Juwon, stroking Juwon's tongue with his own. As he does, Juwon angles deeper and pushes further, his breath blossoming hot across Hoik's cheek.

It's not just one kiss. They part and come together again several times, their lips making small sounds each time they separate. Hoik listens in fascination to Juwon: his mouth, his breath, his long, contented sigh when Hoik puts an arm around his shoulders.

But the best part is Juwon's hands: one on Hoik's shoulder, one on his face, first moving down his cheek, then carding through his hair, then ghosting over his neck. He cups the back of Hoik's head, and something about the way his hand fits around his skull is simply perfect.

When Juwon finally pulls away, he's breathing hard. His eyes are narrow and dark, though half-obscured by the fringe of hair falling over them as he looks down at Hoik. He searches Hoik's face, perhaps trying to parse something, anything at all, from his expression. Maybe he finds what he's looking for, or maybe he doesn't, but eventually he moves away, disentangling himself from Hoik's arms and settling back down on his own mattress.

"That was pretty nice," Hoik says.

"You're a good kisser," Juwon replies, his voice unsteady on its feet.

Hoik doesn't know what people are supposed to feel when they kiss. He imagines, with a blush, that kissing someone like that, so deeply, in bed, in the dark, is supposed to be arousing. Is Juwon aroused? It's difficult to say. Hoik isn't, but maybe he just isn't really attracted to Juwon. He tries to think of someone he would rather kiss, but draws a complete blank.

He wouldn't mind kissing Juwon again, even if he doesn't actually find him attractive. It was reassuring to feel Juwon's mouth on his, his hands on his face and in his hair. It felt good, like sinking into a comfortable chair, or watching a stone settle to the bottom of a riverbed. Is this what it meant to be turned on?

"Do you think we could do that again, sometime?" Hoik asks.

"I don't know," Juwon begins, hesitantly. "I don't want things to get... weird."

Hoik frowns, though Juwon can't see him. "I understand."

"We'll see."

Hoik's watch is still ticking beside him, steady and dependable. Another car drives past, beyond the walls of the small room. Maybe he would just talk to Sangsoo tomorrow. Or in a few days, once things blew over.

"Hyung?" Hoik says. 

"Yeah?"

"Can you maybe... not tell anyone about this?"

"Yeah. I won't."

Juwon is still awake when Hoik finally falls into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
